Habemus Papam Also In His Mid-Thousands

As I was watching YouTube videos while trying to type my study guide  typing up my study guide for class yesterday, a notification came upon my phone from CNN and NYTimes announcing that the College of Cardinals made a decision on a new pope. First, my thought was how can it already be 15 days? Didn't we just get rid of a pope? I mean DAMN someone must of been in a rush.  My second thought was he was going to be old. The reason for this is because I thought that the reason why we got rid of Pope Benedict Pope Emertus resigned was because of his age.

Courtesy of Awesomely Luvvie 

Didn't we decide this the last time about the pope? College of Cardinals, what the heck in Hecks name is going on? Where are all of the people who are in there twenties that applied for the job? You couldn't find anyone younger? 

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How Are You Going to Out Black Me?

Anyone remember when Tyra Banks tried to be Oprah had her own talk show called "Tyra." No? Either do I  And does anyone remember the episode when Tyra dressed up in a fat suit because she wanted to show how fat people are discriminated against? And then remember that same episode where she showed how pretty people get the nice treatment. Well, I have a thing to say about that episode. First of all, how moronic and naivete does she think we are? She thinks that because she is a pretty girl she would not get attention and help from men. Umm, boo boo you are Tyra Banks.


Just like Tyra Banks, white people seem to think that they are the ones who know what it's like to be a minority in the United States. If you ask any white person who went to college and taken a major in the liberal arts, they've probably been exposed to some type of "cultural awaking". And when I say cultural awaking I mean they've become so bored with being white that they immerse themselves with learning languages like Spanish, Chinese, Ebonics! They would go to places like Europe, Asia, or South America or Oakland, California , to study abroad and become part of that culture. Then they come back meet someone from that country and become so condescending to that person about THEIR culture (This should be a later blogpost. I'm from Hawaii so I get this a lot).

Michelle Lapidos is the perfect example of this foolery logic. Strapped with a black ratchet  afro looking like all kinds of wrong, she dressed up into her alter-ego and stressed the importance of racial intolerance by trying to become black. Her blog, called "Before and Afro", received a lot of comments about the photo and instead of shutting it down, she keeps it up to spread the message of racial intolerance. Here is her defense provided by Gawker.com: 

Racism not welcomed here. Just because a person points out differences between their race and another race does NOT indicate that person feels superior. Let's be constructive, open and honest with each other. It's 2012. Fried chicken is an American food. It's a Korean food. I think it's one of the most delicious foods on earth.

Wait, WHAT?  What does fried chicken have to do with being racist? I have many of white friends that love chicken. These people would break the bone and tear up some bone marrow in the chicken and then proceed to tell me the significance of fried chicken in the community of colored folk. 

Let me give a shout out to all my closest white friends P'squared, +Crystal Kitty (who is Aryan so technically...) Erica Hogentogler Peachypeach, +Ally Ortiz Alyssa Anderson, Amy Jackson, Bjorn Bolte, Kelly Pants Donahue, and the one who inspired this blog post Derek Smith (it's "jiggerboo" not "jiggaboo"). 

Any interesting topics tweet me about it @dan19310

African Men: How Not to Hollar, Hollar Hollar At a Woman

*NOTE: I just want to point it out there, rape isn't funny. GOT THAT!
I read a guest blog from Awesomely Luvvie about a Nigerian online dating site. Her friend explained how ratchet Nigerian men are when hollering at her. It was funny and I agreed with her. So I decided to write about it.
At a party at my friend Fillipa's house two weeks ago and I found something interesting about African men.   They have NO game when talking to women   come off very aggressive. As the token gay men/ black man gay man of the party, I felt like I was conversationally raped and I wasn't even a woman.

This guy: "I'm trying to hollar at you. Hollar hollar hollar"

Let me give you the run down on what happen. I entered the party all late because I was on colored people time  fashionably late and I just got done with a 12 hour road trip from Oxford, OH to Lancaster, PA When I walked into the door I instantly I went to the kitchen because I needed a cup of straight tequila because I hate road trips  I was thirsty. Once I got my drinkage on, Fillapa's friend Demitra  and I began talking about life. At this point, shes ahead of me in my goal of getting wasted  shes had several drinks. All of a sudden this guy comes and interrupts my conversation with her. It went as follows:

Guy: *Puts arm around her* *touches hair on her face and placing it behind ears*
Demitra: "...the reason why I don't like Grey's Anatomy this season is because..." *Looks towards me and gets quiet*
Guy: "Whats wrong, you look cold. Do you want to wear my jacket?"
My thought: OMG! WHAT THE FRICK. OH HELL TO THE NOPE! Assuming that Demitra can handle this situation I let it play out.
Demitra: "No, if I get cold I can wear one of Fillipa's sweaters. It's cool."
Guy: "Are you sure baby?"
My thought: Did he just...? SIR, you are coming off way TOO aggressive! I'm going to need you to fall back. Matter of fact, I'm going to need you to fall back into the other room and have a seat on the couch.
Demitra: *Begins moving away* Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
My thought: Ask what his name is. This is because I didn't know his name and I needed to get my Olivia Pope on and fix this situation cause clearly she felt convo molested.
Me: "So what's your name?"
Guy:" How you not gon' to know my name when I was here the last time?"
Just then like a single lady whose man didn't put a ring on it, Demitra was like a ghost, she was gone and ran into the bedroom. Oh about his name. I was too either too drunk or he wasn't interesting enough to remember.

Later at the party, a friend of Fillipa's felt clearly convo raped and needed to get away, so we were sitting on the couch chatting. When guy and his friend were about to leave, his friend proceeded to try and give her a kiss on the cheek.. She quickly moved her head away. Since I was clearly annoyed I said to him "Sir, you are a Chester Molester!" Not wanting to talk to him after I made that comment I ran away.


Any interesting stories, send them my way at dannon.stewart7@gmail.com. Follow me on twitter: @dan19310. 

You Better Twerk, Grandma.

As I was watching YouTube the other day for some HOTMESS videos  typing up a paper on Communism for my history class, I typed twerk team at Walmart in the search bar accidentally clicked on this video of a grandmother twerking at Walmart. Got me to my first question among several others: WHOSE GRANDMOTHER IS THIS? 

I know that Walmart is the place for this depravity, but come on. Where is the grandchildren, the daughters and sons to try and stop her? Where is the nursing home to try and stop her? WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE AT WALMART TO STOP HER? 


However, I'm not mad at you grandma. YOU BETTER TWERK!

Attention: Lost All Hope In All Humans

My Peoples,
Can we talk for a minute? I know this is my second post, but we are family right? Please, take a seat on this couch next to me. I have some concerning issues about you folks. I just can't and I won't deal with it inside and I need to express myself.

As anyone knows on campus, people think that I'm funny looking for some reason. I think it's because I point out foolish things to people. Like why does Lil Kim look like Miss Kim, the lady who does my dry cleaning (Shout out to the dry cleaners next to Giant)? Or very open to questioning how much Cash Money women  to sleep with Lil Wayne? I want to know these things, and I'm pretty sure you do too.

As a human I was disappointed by some of the answers that I heard about human rights. Rights as a human that we all have. I wasn't expecting some of the answers that I got when I asked, "You wanna know about human rights?" Some Tom Fool said "No, not today." Luckily I was born with a wit that would make a gay man comedian turn their heads. I proceeded to say "What about tomorrow?" This person whom I was talking to gave me the stank-eye. Then to get people to come to our table to at least talk I said:

Are you about to eat lunch? Well, unfortunately most people in the world can't afford food. And you can learn about it at Amnesty International at Millersville University

Some people just walked away as I just didn't insult them and guilt them for eating lunch. I can't and I wont do it any longer. 

Amnesty International at Millersville University is a human rights organization on campus. We meet on Tuesday nights at 9 pm in McComsey 201. Follow me on twitter @dan19310 and Comment Below. 

Top Four Things I Hate: Things that Make Me Bring Out My Inner Ike Turner

Note to future people I meet, this post is for you. Especially those who think we are going to be close friends. I'm going to need you to keep a list of the top four things that I hate. These things are subject to change  because people do some foolish things:

1. Snakes

I'm going to say this much: SNAKES ARE ASSHOLES  MEAN. That is all.

2. Camping
If its one thing that I hate about the outdoors, next to snakes, it's camping. We have made technological advances to rent cabins and hotels and camping, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. Whenever a friend utters the word "camping" I put my bougie card up real high and say "I hope you mean a suite at the Marriott in the woods." It's not there is anything bad about camping. For me, it's a HELL. TO. THE. NOPE.

3. Road Trips

With camping, road trips make me want to pull over and have Ezekiel take the wheel that he saw. I don't like road trips for two reasons. When a friend says "road trip to..." I put up my bougie card and say "Are flights cheaper?" I don't like flying because of two reasons. First, the people. If I had to make a list of who I hated it would be everyone about five people. And those five people have personalities that I just don't like. Secondly, like camping, we've made technological advances to so we can fly in planes. I don't like seeing the world around me when I drive 14-75 hours. I can see it through a tiny window when I'm in a plane for 2 to 5 hours.

4. Misused Words and Phrases
One thing I cannot stand is when a person misuse a word. And here is the kicker: They get mad at me because I correct them! I understand no one wants to be corrected, but you went throughout life using the wrong word it brings out my inner Waka Flaka Flame  Lil John and say "WHAAAAAT" follow by my Chronic Bitch Face -___-.  People "Irregardless" doesn't mean a DAMN thing. To "regard means that you can go either way.  And the misuse of "Irony" makes my inner Sassy Black Man come out saying "Thing of your life, think of your choices."  Stop using irony both the coincidental and something that isn't funny.  An example of irony: If it rained on your wedding day and you were marrying a weatherman who predicted that this day would be a sunny one. Not "It's like rain on your wedding day." Yes, Alanis, I'm talking to you, biotch.

Please, comment on the bottom close friends if I missed something of importance. Also, follow me on twitter @dan19310.