Monday, April 15, 2013

Robert Pattinson and James Bond: A Sternly Worded Letter to Daniel Craig

I hate to admit it, but I like Robert Pattinson. I think that Twilight was a horrible role (and movie in general) for him and I think that his manager, Kirsten Stewart and Catherine Hardwicke held him hostage Gitmo style until he agreed to a three movie deal with no Native American  Indian give backs. But I don't like him in franchises that I enjoy. Especially ones that I grew up watching on reruns on HBO and Spike TV.

I was watching television a couple months ago and I overheard a story about Daniel Craig on who should be the next James Bond. At first, I thought he said Idris Elba  someone who was black because I figured Her Majesty Secret Service would have some type of diversity training. I mean Eve Moneypenny is Afro British. And with the influx of minorities coming into Britain, I thought hey.  Until I heard that Robert Pattinson would be perfect for the role. This means that this blog post is going to be a very stern letter to fine ass Daniel Craig for saying this.

Dearest Mr. Craig,
hey, sir, hey. How is the beautiful wife? How is your step-son? Tell Darren I said hello. Any who, I wanted to let you know that Skyfall was one of my favorite Bond Films since Live and Let Die. I think it was because of the scene in Hong Kong with the shooter pointing to the old man. For me, it was the reflection of the windows with the billboard in the background. But I digress.

I overheard that you wanted to end being Bond and wanted to start a family. Good for you. You go girl. I think that you and Ray Ray will have a beautiful ass child or several childs. However, I would greatly appreciate it you did suggest successors to the role. Now don't get me wrong, you've revived Bond into  what he is today. I mean some of my closest friends and orderlies who are fans of Ian Flemming have said that you are the best bond since that young fine as hell Sean Conery. I praise the people who chose you for the role. However, I would appreciate it if you would chose someone else and not Edward Cullen Robert Pattinson.

Here is three reasons why:

1. James Bond is a bad ass. That means his body has to be a bad ass. He has to look like this:

James Bond is not supposed to look like this: 
They are not supposed to sparkle in the sunlight. How can Bond be a bad ass and stealth when he sparkles in the sunlight giving away his locale. How can I watch a movie knowing damn well he sparkles in the sun? In real-D and IMAX  burning out my eyes. 

2. Stealth 
Bond is supposed to be stealthy. How in the hell is Robert Pattinson supposed to be stealthy in the sun, if he is sparkling like a disco ball. Put him on a patio at a gay bar and he will be sparkling in the center and gays will flock to him, not because he is Edward  Robert, but because he is basically a disco ball. And Dame Dench would not appreciate that. I mean, the Red Dragon  Ralph Fiennes. And I don't see him down with the swirl either since Moneypenny is Afro-British (this is an assumption that won't go the platonic route). 

3. Some Possible Candidates.

Idris Elba
This is because I'm American. And my presidents black and half white too. So I'm hoping, that Bond will be half white too. 

Karl Urban
Now listen, I understand that he is from New Zealand but the accent is not that far off. Also, he technically could serve Her Majesty Secret Service. Plus, I'm a Xena fan too (later blog post) and I can imagine him beating the hell out of someone to protect the fate of Britain. 

Michael Fassbender
 Because he can speak more than one language. And he looks like this: 

Monday, April 1, 2013

The Misadventures of Saaphire Pearls: How I Got Attacked By A Bird

Hey folks, I have a confession to make. I don't like the beach. And not because of the sand or the people who wear bikinis but shouldn't and make me want roast them just for fun. It's the sea gulls. These gangsta a*s birds are not afraid of nothing, next to the Millersville squirrel who is a mafia cartel of the squirrel breed. Once a bird sees food, it just swoops down and tries to take it right out your hand. Once at Ocean City MD I could have sworn that a sea gull mistakenly thought my aunt's Jack Russell for a hot dog and swoop down and almost took her.

My fear of sea gulls started back in 2011 on a trip to San Francisco. A group of us from school had to go to a conference and when the conference was over we wanted to look around at some sites. So, we decided to go to Fisherman's Wharf. Being the naive boy that I was, I assumed that there were going to be a FEW seagulls. Not putting together the fact that it's a coastal city, a sea port and a place that they sell fish in the open market it was a complete CLUSTERMESS OF SEAGULLS. My dad had always told me what to do when things attack you. My dad said if people are in front of you, you push them out the way or use them as human shields. I kept that in mind as we were approaching the Wharf.

The group wanted to go and eat some crab legs at a sit down restaurant. I was living within my wages which was $0 at the time. Saaphire, being a local, knew all of the nice cheap restaurants  on the wharf, so we decided to head out to the fried fish places. After we got out fried fish and french fries, we decided to take a seat to see the water, knowing damn well those birds were there. After we were finish our lunches, I threw away our food in the trash can. I can't really described what happen next, but all the suggestions and the advice that my dad gave me about birds went out the window. As I was throwing away our food, which had some french fries left in the box, a bird swooped down and landed it's talons onto the trashcan. But what I saw was something straight out of some Alfred Hitchcock "The Birds."

It was like this! 
This gangsta bird took my street credibility and I want it back. This bird was like "You ain't finna try throw it away?" And then this bird proceeded to get hella hyphie and told me "Tell me when to go" and did some type of winged bird-chest hyphie dance.