Monday, April 1, 2013

The Misadventures of Saaphire Pearls: How I Got Attacked By A Bird

Hey folks, I have a confession to make. I don't like the beach. And not because of the sand or the people who wear bikinis but shouldn't and make me want roast them just for fun. It's the sea gulls. These gangsta a*s birds are not afraid of nothing, next to the Millersville squirrel who is a mafia cartel of the squirrel breed. Once a bird sees food, it just swoops down and tries to take it right out your hand. Once at Ocean City MD I could have sworn that a sea gull mistakenly thought my aunt's Jack Russell for a hot dog and swoop down and almost took her.

My fear of sea gulls started back in 2011 on a trip to San Francisco. A group of us from school had to go to a conference and when the conference was over we wanted to look around at some sites. So, we decided to go to Fisherman's Wharf. Being the naive boy that I was, I assumed that there were going to be a FEW seagulls. Not putting together the fact that it's a coastal city, a sea port and a place that they sell fish in the open market it was a complete CLUSTERMESS OF SEAGULLS. My dad had always told me what to do when things attack you. My dad said if people are in front of you, you push them out the way or use them as human shields. I kept that in mind as we were approaching the Wharf.

The group wanted to go and eat some crab legs at a sit down restaurant. I was living within my wages which was $0 at the time. Saaphire, being a local, knew all of the nice cheap restaurants  on the wharf, so we decided to head out to the fried fish places. After we got out fried fish and french fries, we decided to take a seat to see the water, knowing damn well those birds were there. After we were finish our lunches, I threw away our food in the trash can. I can't really described what happen next, but all the suggestions and the advice that my dad gave me about birds went out the window. As I was throwing away our food, which had some french fries left in the box, a bird swooped down and landed it's talons onto the trashcan. But what I saw was something straight out of some Alfred Hitchcock "The Birds."

It was like this! 
This gangsta bird took my street credibility and I want it back. This bird was like "You ain't finna try throw it away?" And then this bird proceeded to get hella hyphie and told me "Tell me when to go" and did some type of winged bird-chest hyphie dance. 

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