Thursday, March 28, 2013

Spring Break: The Misadventures in DC

Last weekend Amnesty International at Millersville University took several students to Washington, DC for the 2013 Annual General Meeting. Let me tell you something about DC. I think I was a cat and curiosity for alcohol killed me. Overall, every time I go there I find a new bar that I never knew existed. That's right move over Bus Boys and Poets, cause this drinker got a new hipster place in town.

Before I get to that, our trip was the worst.Trains are not the business. It's boring if you don't have technology at your fingertips. I mean Amtrak ratchetness could have put on an in locomotion movie. Luckily I had my my tablet with me. Yes, and I was tweeting and 'booking about how I was not about that ala carte life. I know that it was 11 am when I wrote about alcohol on the train, but  it was three o'clock somewhere   I was responsible for three other people. I mean, last year I got someone lost in the Denver International Airport  I wasn't about being on edge when I got to my DC! Then, I was curious about the menu and the cafe car. Let me tell you peeps, I'm not about that Ala Carte life. $7 for a beer that was domestic, I wanted to slap someone's mamma up in that hair piece.
 

Any who, choosing the AA 12 step choice, we had to get to our hotel from Union Station. Let me tell you about this hotel, it's 45 minutes outside of DC from Union to Tysons Corner via car. That means that it's a least an hour mid day via metro. And let me tell you something, the staff didn't know geography real well because THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEIR HOTEL WAS! Yes, my people's they didn't know where anything was. Not only this, but once we got to the metro station it was 10 miles away. This made me want to hulk smash my iPhone after I got off the phone. However, this misadventure of getting to our hotel is another blog post so keep your eyes like this  O_O!

My adventure started with us wanting to figure out what we wanted to do. Shout out to Google Now! because she was on her game (or he?). We found the Annie Baileys long lost American Twin. After looking for hipster bar, we found one called the American Ice Box Company. Let me tell you, they have beer  that you can drink from jars. That place has a whole Prohibition thing going on, I guess. It was really secluded and for a while, while walking around the neighborhood, I thought I was going to be Eyes Wide Shut crashing a party from the location. It's a converted garage with an outside patio that is open because of heat lamps. And ironically, despite Mother Natures feelings being Fergilicious (They come and go like every season) IT GETS HOTTER THAN THE DEVILS PITS outside. I knew this was the place for me because I'm pretty sure that I could have a conversation with a rando without getting stared at or even worst, mugged. The only downgrade is that they have one bathroom and where we sat it was the area. 

I highly recommend going to that bar. Matter of fact, I would rate it myself  a 5 out of 5 however as a hipster rating things is too mainstream. LOL. American Ice Co is located adjacent to the U Street Corridor in Washingtond DC. There will be more pics coming soon. 

Follow me on twitter @dan19310 and send me some interesting stories my way. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

About Me: My Top Four Favorite Things!

Editors note: I'm sorry that I left this one not finished. I had the rest of it on my Blogger App for Apple and posted it and it did not. Don't download it, it sucks.
When the Oprah Winfrey Show was on every year she would have to send an audience member to the hospital because of being on the episode *Oprah Voice* "OPRAH'S FAVORITE THINGS!" I never watched Oprah until her favorite things episodes came on every year. Why, you ask? Because of the audience members reactions. The last episode on the second day, because she had to have two because: there were a lot to give a way. And b*tch, she is Oprah. Anyways, when she gives stuff out, the things that she gets out keeps getting bigger and bigger as the show progresses. And as the show progresses, the audience keeps getting more cray. For example, the last episode of the last season some young man was running around the audience because he was about to bust out in stigmata. And then proceeded to climb up on the cross because he was not worthy. Jk kidding, but seriously it's on that level.

Now I'm not Oprah and I'm not even on her level. But, I'm going to list my favorite things and I want you to decide to go out and get it because I'm way to broke to be getting it for you. LOL. 


1. My iPhone.
You ask me why my iPhone is my favorite thing? Well, I have a backstory with my phone. For a semester of my junior year I didn't have a cell phone. So I decided to be rach├Ęt and carry my laptop. Now being diagnosed with scoliosis, my curvature was not about that laptop bag life. So I decided that I wanted a phone that was like a laptop and I wanted an iPod. So I killed two birds with one stone. And you know that I think I'm Olivia Pope with my phone too. So, I'm on my crisis management game with this thing ( Shout out to my partner-in-crime DC)!




2. Netflix
You guys know for the amount of shows that I watch, I don't own cable. In fact, I'm pretty impressed with the amount of television that I DO watch. If you're a girl at a party I guarantee you I won't be hitting on you. But I will be asking you if you watch shows like Scandal and Grey's Anatomy or New Girl.
However, on occasion there are shows that I don't watch because I don't have cable. For example, American Horror Story or watching Jon Hamms big head I can't believe that I watch television more because of Netflix. Also, I can be a ninties kid and watch my favorite Saturday morning cartoons like Recess and Hey Arnold. This comes especially handy as I am trying to get over a hangover after drinking copious amount of alcohol  sleep in on a Saturday morning. Oh and don't get me started on House of Cards either. My conversations would last so long that Ezekiel would have to see the wheel and take over.

3. Turkey Hill Cookie Dough Ice Cream
Its ice cream. And cookie dough. Enough said.

4. Scary Movies
I love me a decent scary movie. And I especially love it on a Saturday night with a pint of Turkey Hill Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Favorite scary movie is Candyman. Let's play a game called "Never Have I Ever." Never have I ever went into the bathroom, turned off all the lights, looked into the mirror, and said Candyman 5 times and quickly hurry out the door. As an adult, I've watched that movie several times in the basement and after I was done I turned off all the lights and quickly ran upstairs to my bedroom. To me it's not the bees that scar me. It's Tony Todd's, the actor of Candyman, voice. The way that his voice gets into your head and hypnotizes you. Also, this movie set the precedent about curious white people in horror movies. Thanks, Virginia Marsden and your beautiful ass eyes.


*Sideline: Did you know Eddie Murphy was Clive Barkers original choice for Candyman. I'm like sir, this wouldn't be a horror movie when I'm thinking about bees coming out of Pluto Nash's bird chest.




Saturday, March 16, 2013

Little Kimberly: Why?

I was watching television and I happen to turn on Wendy Williams Show. Now, before you ask me why I want to say that the reason why I watch Wendy Williams is only for the hot topics. She talked about things that I didn't pay attention to because 1. It wasn't really that important and b. I was doing a four page paper. Until I saw THIS MONSTROSITY!
courtesy of Huffington Post 

Little Kimberly WHAT HAPPEN? I'm sorry about calling you by your government name, but why do you look 50 Shades lighter than you were in the 00s. I Know you've been gone for a minute, but damn did your gay friend jump off? Where are the friends that just say No? Where are the friends that say HELL TO THE NOPE? Do they not like you? Do they want to see you not look good? Does the plastic surgeon hate you? Does he/she hate you? I remember when you looked like this: 


Courtesy of HipHopenVogue 
You were a natural  lovely beauty. Your flows were sick back then. You were in the press because you had good music going. The Jump Off was my sixth grade jam. You were the one who put the Range in the Rover, but now I'm afraid to let you ride that Rover because your eyes look so done. Can you see? Can you see what we see? Little Kimberly, are you aspiring to become Ms. Kim the Blasian Vixen? I want to know! Your fans want to know! Society wants to know!


Please Comment Below if you feel the same way about Kimberly. Also follow me on Twitter @dan19310

Friday, March 15, 2013

Habemus Papam Also In His Mid-Thousands

As I was watching YouTube videos while trying to type my study guide  typing up my study guide for class yesterday, a notification came upon my phone from CNN and NYTimes announcing that the College of Cardinals made a decision on a new pope. First, my thought was how can it already be 15 days? Didn't we just get rid of a pope? I mean DAMN someone must of been in a rush.  My second thought was he was going to be old. The reason for this is because I thought that the reason why we got rid of Pope Benedict Pope Emertus resigned was because of his age.


Courtesy of Awesomely Luvvie 
Didn't we decide this the last time about the pope? College of Cardinals, what the heck in Hecks name is going on? Where are all of the people who are in there twenties that applied for the job? You couldn't find anyone younger? 



Follow me on twitter @dan19310 


















Monday, March 11, 2013

How Are You Going to Out Black Me?



Anyone remember when Tyra Banks tried to be Oprah had her own talk show called "Tyra." No? Either do I  And does anyone remember the episode when Tyra dressed up in a fat suit because she wanted to show how fat people are discriminated against? And then remember that same episode where she showed how pretty people get the nice treatment. Well, I have a thing to say about that episode. First of all, how moronic and naivete does she think we are? She thinks that because she is a pretty girl she would not get attention and help from men. Umm, boo boo you are Tyra Banks.


Just like Tyra Banks, white people seem to think that they are the ones who know what it's like to be a minority in the United States. If you ask any white person who went to college and taken a major in the liberal arts, they've probably been exposed to some type of "cultural awaking". And when I say cultural awaking I mean they've become so bored with being white that they immerse themselves with learning languages like Spanish, Chinese, Ebonics! They would go to places like Europe, Asia, or South America or Oakland, California , to study abroad and become part of that culture. Then they come back meet someone from that country and become so condescending to that person about THEIR culture (This should be a later blogpost. I'm from Hawaii so I get this a lot).

Michelle Lapidos is the perfect example of this foolery logic. Strapped with a black ratchet  afro looking like all kinds of wrong, she dressed up into her alter-ego and stressed the importance of racial intolerance by trying to become black. Her blog, called "Before and Afro", received a lot of comments about the photo and instead of shutting it down, she keeps it up to spread the message of racial intolerance. Here is her defense provided by Gawker.com: 

Racism not welcomed here. Just because a person points out differences between their race and another race does NOT indicate that person feels superior. Let's be constructive, open and honest with each other. It's 2012. Fried chicken is an American food. It's a Korean food. I think it's one of the most delicious foods on earth.

Wait, WHAT?  What does fried chicken have to do with being racist? I have many of white friends that love chicken. These people would break the bone and tear up some bone marrow in the chicken and then proceed to tell me the significance of fried chicken in the community of colored folk. 

Let me give a shout out to all my closest white friends P'squared, +Crystal Kitty (who is Aryan so technically...) Erica Hogentogler Peachypeach, +Ally Ortiz Alyssa Anderson, Amy Jackson, Bjorn Bolte, Kelly Pants Donahue, and the one who inspired this blog post Derek Smith (it's "jiggerboo" not "jiggaboo"). 

Any interesting topics tweet me about it @dan19310

Friday, March 8, 2013

African Men: How Not to Hollar, Hollar Hollar At a Woman

*NOTE: I just want to point it out there, rape isn't funny. GOT THAT!
I read a guest blog from Awesomely Luvvie about a Nigerian online dating site. Her friend explained how ratchet Nigerian men are when hollering at her. It was funny and I agreed with her. So I decided to write about it.
At a party at my friend Fillipa's house two weeks ago and I found something interesting about African men.   They have NO game when talking to women   come off very aggressive. As the token gay men/ black man gay man of the party, I felt like I was conversationally raped and I wasn't even a woman.

This guy: "I'm trying to hollar at you. Hollar hollar hollar"

Let me give you the run down on what happen. I entered the party all late because I was on colored people time  fashionably late and I just got done with a 12 hour road trip from Oxford, OH to Lancaster, PA When I walked into the door I instantly I went to the kitchen because I needed a cup of straight tequila because I hate road trips  I was thirsty. Once I got my drinkage on, Fillapa's friend Demitra  and I began talking about life. At this point, shes ahead of me in my goal of getting wasted  shes had several drinks. All of a sudden this guy comes and interrupts my conversation with her. It went as follows:

Guy: *Puts arm around her* *touches hair on her face and placing it behind ears*
Demitra: "...the reason why I don't like Grey's Anatomy this season is because..." *Looks towards me and gets quiet*
Guy: "Whats wrong, you look cold. Do you want to wear my jacket?"
My thought: OMG! WHAT THE FRICK. OH HELL TO THE NOPE! Assuming that Demitra can handle this situation I let it play out.
Demitra: "No, if I get cold I can wear one of Fillipa's sweaters. It's cool."
Guy: "Are you sure baby?"
My thought: Did he just...? SIR, you are coming off way TOO aggressive! I'm going to need you to fall back. Matter of fact, I'm going to need you to fall back into the other room and have a seat on the couch.
Demitra: *Begins moving away* Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
My thought: Ask what his name is. This is because I didn't know his name and I needed to get my Olivia Pope on and fix this situation cause clearly she felt convo molested.
Me: "So what's your name?"
Guy:" How you not gon' to know my name when I was here the last time?"
Just then like a single lady whose man didn't put a ring on it, Demitra was like a ghost, she was gone and ran into the bedroom. Oh about his name. I was too either too drunk or he wasn't interesting enough to remember.

Later at the party, a friend of Fillipa's felt clearly convo raped and needed to get away, so we were sitting on the couch chatting. When guy and his friend were about to leave, his friend proceeded to try and give her a kiss on the cheek.. She quickly moved her head away. Since I was clearly annoyed I said to him "Sir, you are a Chester Molester!" Not wanting to talk to him after I made that comment I ran away.


Any interesting stories, send them my way at dannon.stewart7@gmail.com. Follow me on twitter: @dan19310. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

You Better Twerk, Grandma.

As I was watching YouTube the other day for some HOTMESS videos  typing up a paper on Communism for my history class, I typed twerk team at Walmart in the search bar accidentally clicked on this video of a grandmother twerking at Walmart. Got me to my first question among several others: WHOSE GRANDMOTHER IS THIS? 






I know that Walmart is the place for this depravity, but come on. Where is the grandchildren, the daughters and sons to try and stop her? Where is the nursing home to try and stop her? WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE AT WALMART TO STOP HER? 


However, I'm not mad at you grandma. YOU BETTER TWERK!