Monday, June 3, 2013

Summer, Summer, Summertime...Now What To Do?

Summertime is here and I don't know what to do with my life. I got a second job in retail, but I think I'm fired  because when I talk to people I do not like standing around in one area and yell at people every time they come in and  if you want me to talk to randos let me have a shot or three from the bar and let me be comfortable. Also, the stadium is not the tea for me this year because $7.25/hour with credit card bills, a $90 phone bill and a clothing budget that makes my app budget my struggles So I've been thinking what should I do during the summer time and I've divided it into the "what I want to do for the summer" and "what I need to do for the summer."


1. Save up for a 2006 Volkswagen Passat a car.
At 24 years of age you would think that I would have my life pretty much in motion by now. However, after coming back to college in 2010 I partied too much. I'm talking about spending $200-$300 dollars on vodka and beer for a party. Hell, they called me the P.Diddy of Wellness 090 and I didn't even live there (shout out to Derek and Chris). My grades suffered as well as my credit score. And at 24, my dreams of even getting a car are shot.
     Contrary to popular belief, I did have a car. I got it at an auction for $500 dollars. It was a 1992 Ford something or another. If I would describe my car, lets just say that if I got Pimp My Ride to pimp out my car, they would have to get me to buy another car. My car was so outdated that it didn't have a radio, it had an Atrak player. I was going to  call my father for some tapes and ask him how it worked. The only time I drove it was when I came back with the car to my house to the auction. I was going through the motions about school, so I dropped out and moved to Hawaii. Needless to say I never got the car fixed but it sat in my driveway for five months until my mother gave it away for free. I could have at least gotten fifty bucks for it *shakes my head*.
     I really thought this was going to be the year of my car. I want a 2006 Passat with leather seats that are heated automatic drive. I would do manual transmission but it took me two years to learn automatic (#struggles) so with looking at the road, shifting gears and carrying a conversation on the phone and imessage I would have an  accident 5 minutes after taking the car off of the lot. Not to mention  I can barely do jobs that made it seem that monkeys can do (see above).

2. Writing Comedy
I'm honest with people. That's why I don't like selling clothes because I would get cursed out by a customer for telling he/she they look fat in that outfit. Or questions their intentions on why they're trying to even pick out that color. In this life and my past lives I've cut several bitches with my words. The saying is "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" if so why do people cry whenever I'm honest with them? And my 'book people think it's funny whenever I put a status up. Some people suggest that I do stand up. I could see myself doing it, and I could work a stage like Tyra Banks works a runway. But I have no voice control whats so ever. So talking in a microphone sound like ME YELLING AT YOU! When working at my retail job I scared several customers coming into the store. In fact, I messed up so bad that night that the only positive thing that my manager (or ex-manager?) said was "YOU HAVE GREAT ENERGY."  In fact, saying "looking for anything today at (specific store)?" and promoting the sales when they walk in, sounded like "LOOKING FOR ANYTHING TODAY? JUST TO LET YOU KNOW..." and I know for a fact I almost gave an old lady looking for her daughter a heart attack. The real kind, not the Demi Lovato song.  And I'm too afraid to get booed. I know people think I don't give no damns about how I feel about people, but I'm human and I want people to like me.

3. Internship
This year was supposed to be my year for internships. I took a step back to focus on what I want to do which was to write. I don't regret the decision, but lets just say that where I'm at in my life sucks. What would I rather be doing this summer than working two jobs where I know I won't get a decent pay and a college credit:

  • Be Lil Wayne's toothbrush. 
  • Listen to hear Taylor Swift talk sing about the many boyfriends that were trouble when they walked in. 
  • Listen to a yodel ballad on repeat from Florence and the Machine


1. To Find A New Job
It's not like I hate my jobs now, it's just there are things that I really want to do in life overall and I don't have the money to do it. Like go to my friend's unplanned/ planned wedding in Lake Tahoe. Pay off my credit card bills before I graduate in December. Not have to worry about being cheap or only getting french fries and a soda whenever I go out or when I go shopping with my gay husband. Right now, I'm looking at internships which with my degrees I can't do anything around the Lancaster, PA area unless I move to Harrisburg (not happening) or Washington, DC. Also, I'm looking towards banking and marketing. Something that can challenge and expand my mind. 

2. Start a Budget
My mother has been dropping hints whenever she does my taxes and FASFA that she wants me and my sister to move out. She always says "Dan, you're going to get *insert dollar signs* and that should be enough for you to move out for the semester." How I manage to blow my refund check at the end of the semester is beyond me. That's why I need help to budget my money. My credit report is suffering like Kimberly Kardashins swollen feet in high heels. 

Ok it's not that bad, but it'll make my accountant, if I had one, throw a Kanye inspired temper tantrum. I've always been poor, but being a product of the middle class before the stock market crashed I never had problems with money until now. 

What are you guys going to do for the summer? Comment below and maybe we can do things together. Also follow me on twitter @dan19310

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I Should Give My Mother A Bouquet of Kim Kardashians for Mother's Day

I'm sorry for being so absent and posting like a new Train song (every ten years) but it's the end of the semester and I don't have time or damns to give unless it's finals relevant. I had to report on the rachetness that was Monday's Costume Institute Gala at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art. I know a mess, right. ESPECIALLY KIMBERLY KARDASHIAN'S DRESS!

Kanye's baby's mother gave no types of damns. She gets that award this week. I want to clone eleven of her and wrap her and her clones in a bouquet and send them to my mother for Mother's Day. All that fabric that needed to wrap her body, I feel like I want to reupholster a couch with it. Did she reupholster that dress with the couch from Golden Girls? She wanted to look like a geriatric woman so she had to channel the spirits of Dorothy, Blanche and Sofia and wanted to show Betty White.

Who brought this dress for her? I think it was Kanye. You know why? Because Kanye would have thrown a fit at the gala if he was surprised like everyone else. He would have rushed Kim to the end of the red carpet and said to via the press "No offense Kim, but Beyonce had the best Gala dress of all time." Kanye  treats her like a baby moms and instead of giving her flowers he gave her that dress. When North West is born how are they going to explain to this young man that his mom looked like something I picked up from Joan's Fabric.

How did you guys feel about Kimberly's dress? Did you understand? Can you school me, cause I did not understand.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Robert Pattinson and James Bond: A Sternly Worded Letter to Daniel Craig

I hate to admit it, but I like Robert Pattinson. I think that Twilight was a horrible role (and movie in general) for him and I think that his manager, Kirsten Stewart and Catherine Hardwicke held him hostage Gitmo style until he agreed to a three movie deal with no Native American  Indian give backs. But I don't like him in franchises that I enjoy. Especially ones that I grew up watching on reruns on HBO and Spike TV.

I was watching television a couple months ago and I overheard a story about Daniel Craig on who should be the next James Bond. At first, I thought he said Idris Elba  someone who was black because I figured Her Majesty Secret Service would have some type of diversity training. I mean Eve Moneypenny is Afro British. And with the influx of minorities coming into Britain, I thought hey.  Until I heard that Robert Pattinson would be perfect for the role. This means that this blog post is going to be a very stern letter to fine ass Daniel Craig for saying this.

Dearest Mr. Craig,
hey, sir, hey. How is the beautiful wife? How is your step-son? Tell Darren I said hello. Any who, I wanted to let you know that Skyfall was one of my favorite Bond Films since Live and Let Die. I think it was because of the scene in Hong Kong with the shooter pointing to the old man. For me, it was the reflection of the windows with the billboard in the background. But I digress.

I overheard that you wanted to end being Bond and wanted to start a family. Good for you. You go girl. I think that you and Ray Ray will have a beautiful ass child or several childs. However, I would greatly appreciate it you did suggest successors to the role. Now don't get me wrong, you've revived Bond into  what he is today. I mean some of my closest friends and orderlies who are fans of Ian Flemming have said that you are the best bond since that young fine as hell Sean Conery. I praise the people who chose you for the role. However, I would appreciate it if you would chose someone else and not Edward Cullen Robert Pattinson.

Here is three reasons why:

1. James Bond is a bad ass. That means his body has to be a bad ass. He has to look like this:

James Bond is not supposed to look like this: 
They are not supposed to sparkle in the sunlight. How can Bond be a bad ass and stealth when he sparkles in the sunlight giving away his locale. How can I watch a movie knowing damn well he sparkles in the sun? In real-D and IMAX  burning out my eyes. 

2. Stealth 
Bond is supposed to be stealthy. How in the hell is Robert Pattinson supposed to be stealthy in the sun, if he is sparkling like a disco ball. Put him on a patio at a gay bar and he will be sparkling in the center and gays will flock to him, not because he is Edward  Robert, but because he is basically a disco ball. And Dame Dench would not appreciate that. I mean, the Red Dragon  Ralph Fiennes. And I don't see him down with the swirl either since Moneypenny is Afro-British (this is an assumption that won't go the platonic route). 

3. Some Possible Candidates.

Idris Elba
This is because I'm American. And my presidents black and half white too. So I'm hoping, that Bond will be half white too. 

Karl Urban
Now listen, I understand that he is from New Zealand but the accent is not that far off. Also, he technically could serve Her Majesty Secret Service. Plus, I'm a Xena fan too (later blog post) and I can imagine him beating the hell out of someone to protect the fate of Britain. 

Michael Fassbender
 Because he can speak more than one language. And he looks like this: 

Monday, April 1, 2013

The Misadventures of Saaphire Pearls: How I Got Attacked By A Bird

Hey folks, I have a confession to make. I don't like the beach. And not because of the sand or the people who wear bikinis but shouldn't and make me want roast them just for fun. It's the sea gulls. These gangsta a*s birds are not afraid of nothing, next to the Millersville squirrel who is a mafia cartel of the squirrel breed. Once a bird sees food, it just swoops down and tries to take it right out your hand. Once at Ocean City MD I could have sworn that a sea gull mistakenly thought my aunt's Jack Russell for a hot dog and swoop down and almost took her.

My fear of sea gulls started back in 2011 on a trip to San Francisco. A group of us from school had to go to a conference and when the conference was over we wanted to look around at some sites. So, we decided to go to Fisherman's Wharf. Being the naive boy that I was, I assumed that there were going to be a FEW seagulls. Not putting together the fact that it's a coastal city, a sea port and a place that they sell fish in the open market it was a complete CLUSTERMESS OF SEAGULLS. My dad had always told me what to do when things attack you. My dad said if people are in front of you, you push them out the way or use them as human shields. I kept that in mind as we were approaching the Wharf.

The group wanted to go and eat some crab legs at a sit down restaurant. I was living within my wages which was $0 at the time. Saaphire, being a local, knew all of the nice cheap restaurants  on the wharf, so we decided to head out to the fried fish places. After we got out fried fish and french fries, we decided to take a seat to see the water, knowing damn well those birds were there. After we were finish our lunches, I threw away our food in the trash can. I can't really described what happen next, but all the suggestions and the advice that my dad gave me about birds went out the window. As I was throwing away our food, which had some french fries left in the box, a bird swooped down and landed it's talons onto the trashcan. But what I saw was something straight out of some Alfred Hitchcock "The Birds."

It was like this! 
This gangsta bird took my street credibility and I want it back. This bird was like "You ain't finna try throw it away?" And then this bird proceeded to get hella hyphie and told me "Tell me when to go" and did some type of winged bird-chest hyphie dance. 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Spring Break: The Misadventures in DC

Last weekend Amnesty International at Millersville University took several students to Washington, DC for the 2013 Annual General Meeting. Let me tell you something about DC. I think I was a cat and curiosity for alcohol killed me. Overall, every time I go there I find a new bar that I never knew existed. That's right move over Bus Boys and Poets, cause this drinker got a new hipster place in town.

Before I get to that, our trip was the worst.Trains are not the business. It's boring if you don't have technology at your fingertips. I mean Amtrak ratchetness could have put on an in locomotion movie. Luckily I had my my tablet with me. Yes, and I was tweeting and 'booking about how I was not about that ala carte life. I know that it was 11 am when I wrote about alcohol on the train, but  it was three o'clock somewhere   I was responsible for three other people. I mean, last year I got someone lost in the Denver International Airport  I wasn't about being on edge when I got to my DC! Then, I was curious about the menu and the cafe car. Let me tell you peeps, I'm not about that Ala Carte life. $7 for a beer that was domestic, I wanted to slap someone's mamma up in that hair piece.

Any who, choosing the AA 12 step choice, we had to get to our hotel from Union Station. Let me tell you about this hotel, it's 45 minutes outside of DC from Union to Tysons Corner via car. That means that it's a least an hour mid day via metro. And let me tell you something, the staff didn't know geography real well because THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEIR HOTEL WAS! Yes, my people's they didn't know where anything was. Not only this, but once we got to the metro station it was 10 miles away. This made me want to hulk smash my iPhone after I got off the phone. However, this misadventure of getting to our hotel is another blog post so keep your eyes like this  O_O!

My adventure started with us wanting to figure out what we wanted to do. Shout out to Google Now! because she was on her game (or he?). We found the Annie Baileys long lost American Twin. After looking for hipster bar, we found one called the American Ice Box Company. Let me tell you, they have beer  that you can drink from jars. That place has a whole Prohibition thing going on, I guess. It was really secluded and for a while, while walking around the neighborhood, I thought I was going to be Eyes Wide Shut crashing a party from the location. It's a converted garage with an outside patio that is open because of heat lamps. And ironically, despite Mother Natures feelings being Fergilicious (They come and go like every season) IT GETS HOTTER THAN THE DEVILS PITS outside. I knew this was the place for me because I'm pretty sure that I could have a conversation with a rando without getting stared at or even worst, mugged. The only downgrade is that they have one bathroom and where we sat it was the area. 

I highly recommend going to that bar. Matter of fact, I would rate it myself  a 5 out of 5 however as a hipster rating things is too mainstream. LOL. American Ice Co is located adjacent to the U Street Corridor in Washingtond DC. There will be more pics coming soon. 

Follow me on twitter @dan19310 and send me some interesting stories my way. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

About Me: My Top Four Favorite Things!

Editors note: I'm sorry that I left this one not finished. I had the rest of it on my Blogger App for Apple and posted it and it did not. Don't download it, it sucks.
When the Oprah Winfrey Show was on every year she would have to send an audience member to the hospital because of being on the episode *Oprah Voice* "OPRAH'S FAVORITE THINGS!" I never watched Oprah until her favorite things episodes came on every year. Why, you ask? Because of the audience members reactions. The last episode on the second day, because she had to have two because: there were a lot to give a way. And b*tch, she is Oprah. Anyways, when she gives stuff out, the things that she gets out keeps getting bigger and bigger as the show progresses. And as the show progresses, the audience keeps getting more cray. For example, the last episode of the last season some young man was running around the audience because he was about to bust out in stigmata. And then proceeded to climb up on the cross because he was not worthy. Jk kidding, but seriously it's on that level.

Now I'm not Oprah and I'm not even on her level. But, I'm going to list my favorite things and I want you to decide to go out and get it because I'm way to broke to be getting it for you. LOL. 

1. My iPhone.
You ask me why my iPhone is my favorite thing? Well, I have a backstory with my phone. For a semester of my junior year I didn't have a cell phone. So I decided to be rach├Ęt and carry my laptop. Now being diagnosed with scoliosis, my curvature was not about that laptop bag life. So I decided that I wanted a phone that was like a laptop and I wanted an iPod. So I killed two birds with one stone. And you know that I think I'm Olivia Pope with my phone too. So, I'm on my crisis management game with this thing ( Shout out to my partner-in-crime DC)!

2. Netflix
You guys know for the amount of shows that I watch, I don't own cable. In fact, I'm pretty impressed with the amount of television that I DO watch. If you're a girl at a party I guarantee you I won't be hitting on you. But I will be asking you if you watch shows like Scandal and Grey's Anatomy or New Girl.
However, on occasion there are shows that I don't watch because I don't have cable. For example, American Horror Story or watching Jon Hamms big head I can't believe that I watch television more because of Netflix. Also, I can be a ninties kid and watch my favorite Saturday morning cartoons like Recess and Hey Arnold. This comes especially handy as I am trying to get over a hangover after drinking copious amount of alcohol  sleep in on a Saturday morning. Oh and don't get me started on House of Cards either. My conversations would last so long that Ezekiel would have to see the wheel and take over.

3. Turkey Hill Cookie Dough Ice Cream
Its ice cream. And cookie dough. Enough said.

4. Scary Movies
I love me a decent scary movie. And I especially love it on a Saturday night with a pint of Turkey Hill Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Favorite scary movie is Candyman. Let's play a game called "Never Have I Ever." Never have I ever went into the bathroom, turned off all the lights, looked into the mirror, and said Candyman 5 times and quickly hurry out the door. As an adult, I've watched that movie several times in the basement and after I was done I turned off all the lights and quickly ran upstairs to my bedroom. To me it's not the bees that scar me. It's Tony Todd's, the actor of Candyman, voice. The way that his voice gets into your head and hypnotizes you. Also, this movie set the precedent about curious white people in horror movies. Thanks, Virginia Marsden and your beautiful ass eyes.

*Sideline: Did you know Eddie Murphy was Clive Barkers original choice for Candyman. I'm like sir, this wouldn't be a horror movie when I'm thinking about bees coming out of Pluto Nash's bird chest.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Little Kimberly: Why?

I was watching television and I happen to turn on Wendy Williams Show. Now, before you ask me why I want to say that the reason why I watch Wendy Williams is only for the hot topics. She talked about things that I didn't pay attention to because 1. It wasn't really that important and b. I was doing a four page paper. Until I saw THIS MONSTROSITY!
courtesy of Huffington Post 

Little Kimberly WHAT HAPPEN? I'm sorry about calling you by your government name, but why do you look 50 Shades lighter than you were in the 00s. I Know you've been gone for a minute, but damn did your gay friend jump off? Where are the friends that just say No? Where are the friends that say HELL TO THE NOPE? Do they not like you? Do they want to see you not look good? Does the plastic surgeon hate you? Does he/she hate you? I remember when you looked like this: 

Courtesy of HipHopenVogue 
You were a natural  lovely beauty. Your flows were sick back then. You were in the press because you had good music going. The Jump Off was my sixth grade jam. You were the one who put the Range in the Rover, but now I'm afraid to let you ride that Rover because your eyes look so done. Can you see? Can you see what we see? Little Kimberly, are you aspiring to become Ms. Kim the Blasian Vixen? I want to know! Your fans want to know! Society wants to know!

Please Comment Below if you feel the same way about Kimberly. Also follow me on Twitter @dan19310